Donald Trump to sweep all before him under supernatural supervision
By SWAMP McGOO, late of Paekakariki
(Conspiracy Theorist, Occult Genius and Supreme Icon of the Alt-Centre Delusion)
HI EVERYBODY! Thank you for your adoring applause.
My name is Swamp McGoo and I have extra-sensory perception. And here’s the proof. Wherever you are in the cosmos, I know exactly what you are doing at this very instant. You are reading this sentence.
I also know what politicians and their flunkies are actually thinking when they fail to communicate it. For example, please marvel at what Sean Spicer, Donald Trump’s former press secretary, said during a recent interview on Kimmel News:
“Your job as press secretary,” said Spicer, “is to represent the president’s voice. Whether you agree or not is not your job.”
I can tell y’all what Spicer meant: “I was the sewer not the sewage.”
Why didn’t I make Spicer say exactly that? Because I have more important miracles to pull off. You see, my job is to empower Donald Trump by providing supernatural supervision so he will sweep all before him.
You want examples? Okay. Here are some tweets that were within a split second of going viral when I extra-sensorily stopped our hero posting them:
GREAT HEALTH SCARE POLICIES will Make America Gape Again.
No-one knows how popular I am. Fire and fury must end fake news loser which hInt!!
New Yorker headline finally gets it right!!! Trump denies any links between White House and the USA.
“If North Korea attacks Guam I will make EVEN BIGGER THREATS!
This is incontrovertible proof of my powers. Donald Trump never did send those tweets.
I know what you are thinking. Why does the great McGoo allow our hero to post all those other tweets that so horrify his despairing supporters?
The reason is that even the divine Swamp cannot do everything at once. Right now I am busy learning Chinese! Mander-something, they call it.
Why am I learning the Chinese lingo? So I can eavesdrop on the secret thoughts of Chinese party bosses! You see, President Trump has charged the Amazing McGoo with discovering how the hoaxers of Peking are making icebergs melt, glaciers retreat, hurricanes cause greater devastation, sea levels rise, and mercury blow the tops off thermometers at Mar-a-lago.
Too many exclamations?
Must go!! Duty calls!! So much to do!!! So many exclamation marks to drill though the entrails of puppet Republican senators dangling from the strings of Crooked Hillary!!!!
So, do punch the air as you chant our slogan: “Swamp McGoo!! Good for you!! Swamp McGoo!! Good for you!!”
Love you all! More revelations soon!! Watch this space!!!