Report From The Pews Of St Paul’s

KIN presents the first review for many years of a Sunday sermon on the Kāpiti Coast.

Religious commentator C B Ruthe says:

‘YHWH, in his mercy, saved you from the 8.30am service  at St Pauls on Sunday — organist absent and a sermon absent  of meaning (on my scoring system  3/10 for content).

The preacher got the name of Jesus right and told us how last year she was in Capernaum-[mis -pronounced as Ca- per- knee -im].

As is its wont, my mind acting in accord with its subconscious Proustian impulses, instantaneously, and in OLED Super high definition, saw startling images  of dear preacher fending off unwanted advances by knee-im (kneeing) the advancer.

(I must say that was the most entertaining part of the sermon.) 

I would have liked to have thanked the preacher for stimulating my mind, to such an almost hallucinatory degree but reneged as I shuddered at the thought of being kneed for unseemly thoughts). I left the church as quietly as a mouse.

Cantilated in quintuplicate

 I do consider it incumbent upon me to report on another ‘content issue:’ There were cantiliated (in quintuplicate, heaven forbid, triplicate would have been appropriate, surely) the phrase  ” 3 in 1, 1 in 3″.

For a moment, I thought I was at the races hearing the bookmaker shouting the odds.

However it later dawned on my conscious mind  that this was the description of the latest the 21st century theological insight.

Anglican theologians have concluded that God has a multiple split personality (colloquially referred to as schizophrenia).

To prove how sophisticated and modern and scientific God is, he is we now  “3 in 1, 1 in 3.”  The theory was this made  God more comprehensible to 21st century workers and peasants. Further, it made Him more sellable.

Sadly, my post-sermon research into saleabilty indicates that “3 in 1” was trademarked in 1957 as the name for WD40 spray on lubricator. I am not sure how God’s defense of breach of copywrite is going in the Courts, but here’s praying.

During the  preparation of this somewhat truncated Pew Report, and for Heaven’s sake — and I refer to my heavenly prospects — remember its contents are not to be disclosed  to any party that may have adecision-making responsibility on qualifying me  to pass through the  pearly gates.

A new Proustian insight

Now, at the conclusion of these peripatetic promulgations of ‘ News from the Pew’ a new Proustian insight has dawned.

Perhaps I was too harsh on the preacher. As the result of her sermon, as you will now know, I had life-enriching experiences — including the hallucinatory “knee im” and being able to use that superb Aotearoan word ‘cantilated’ for the first time in 50 years.

Perhaps it was the Demons  referred to in the sermon, that deprived you of hearing it resulting in being deprived of  a divine experience  of the subliminal??

 I leave it for you to decide.

Your devout Pew Reporter.

PS I give the preacher 9/10 for enthusiasm.

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