Many locals say I’m one-eyed. But they don’t realise I’m just short-sighted.

This is why I happily agreed to halve the Libraries’ book budget. Couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

But who needs books anyway? They only help keep the peasants informed.

Much better they get their info from spin doctors like myself. Or read my sleep-inducing columns in Haxton’s ‘Weekly Snooze’.

And as for consultation — don’t call me, I’ll let you know what’s good for you…sometime next year. Maybe.

Just don’t ask about the books. OK?